


Date Me, Dumbass

by KandiSheek



Series: Cap/IM Bingo 2020 [8]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alien Invasion, Aliens Made Them Do It, Cap_Ironman Bingo 2020, Dubious Science, End of the World, Enemies to Lovers, Fake/Pretend Relationship, First Dates, First Kiss, Getting to Know Each Other, Humor, Language Barrier, M/M, Men Crying, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, Saving the World
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-15 17:27:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28692459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KandiSheek/pseuds/KandiSheek
Summary: Tony and Steve don't get along, that's a known fact of the universe. However, when an alien invasion is pending and they have to convince them not to blow up the planet their only chance of survival is to allow the aliens to study Terran courting behavior. Too bad the only people around to do that are Steve and Tony themselves.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Series: Cap/IM Bingo 2020 [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1911595
Comments: 60
Kudos: 295





	Date Me, Dumbass

**Author's Note:**

> This is the fill for my "The End" square on the Cap/IM bingo. I hope you enjoy it! There's some French in this one, so if you're reading this on a computer you can hover over the sentence and see the translation. Otherwise it's in the end notes. Thanks for reading!

“So,” Fury said slowly. “You've come here to inform us that we have to evacuate Earth in twenty-eight minutes.”

“That is correct,” the alien said, its translation device glowing where it rested against its throat. The five other blue skinned creatures behind it blinked their moon-like eyes at them, holding what Tony assumed to be weapons limply at their sides.

“I see.” If Fury felt anything other than utterly indifferent about that he didn't show it. “And what will happen to this planet once we've done that?”

“We will blow it up,” the alien said. “It is in the way.”

Fury's eyebrow twitched. “In the way of what exactly?”

“Our way home.”

“Ah.”

Tony could see a bead of sweat on Fury's neck. In any other situation it would've delighted him but this wasn't the time for schadenfreude.

“And what can we do to make you... not do that?” Tony asked and the alien turned its yellow eyes on him.

“We have no interest in this planet. Therefore it is worthless. We will not stray from our course.”

Charming guy. “Twenty-eight minutes won't be enough to evacuate everyone,” Tony said and the alien cocked its head in an absurdly human gesture.

“That is when our ship will arrive.”

No ifs or buts about it then. Tony turned to Fury. “So now what?”

Fury gave him a murderous look. “You're the futurist. Tell me our options.”

“Oh no no no, don't tell me you don't have like eight contingency plans in case something like this happens.” Fury's eyes narrowed and Tony barked a humorless laugh, running his hands through his hair. “Perfect, that's – great. Just great.”

“Fighting won't get us anywhere,” Steve said and Tony turned on him with a scowl.

“Yeah? How 'bout you, boy scout? Any ideas?”

Steve glared at him. “Stark –“

“And you better make it snappy 'cause we've got twenty-six minutes on the clock.”

Steve's jaw clenched as he gritted his teeth. “I don't see you coming up with ideas either.”

Tony threw his hands up, turning on his heel. “Okay, fine. I'll just slap an armor on Rhodey and Pep real quick, be right back.”

“You're not going anywhere,” Fury shouted after him and Tony gave him the finger. He only made it ten feet before he was grabbed by the arm and spun back around.

“Where do you think you're going?” Steve asked icily and Tony pointed at the door.

“More pleasant company.”

“We're the last line of defense this planet has right now,” Fury said, his arms crossed over his chest. “We can't abandon ship.”

“Yeah, I know.” Tony shook off Steve's arm. “Now if you'll excuse me I have a date with my coffee machine. I'm not going down without one last cup.”

Steve's face twisted with rage. “Stark, I swear to god –“

“A date?”

They both turned to the alien who was looking at them curiously.

“What?” Steve asked and the alien twisted its hands in a weird motion that probably meant something wherever it came from.

“Please elaborate on the term 'date'. The translator cannot find an equivalent context for it in –” The device made a weird whirring trill, which was probably what their language was called.

Tony raised an eyebrow at Fury before he turned back to the alien. “Well, you see, when two humans like each other very much –“

“Stark.”

“What?” Tony glared at Steve. “That's what it –“

“Courtship?”

Tony pointed at the alien. “Yes, exactly. So if you'll excuse me I really want to –“

He trailed off when one of the soldier aliens suddenly started chittering excitedly at their ambassador. The leader chittered something back and one of the others broke away from the group and disappeared in the blink of an eye. It was just as unnerving as when they had suddenly appeared out of nowhere.

“What's going on?” Steve asked tensely and the alien turned back towards him.

“Our queen has an interest in the courtship rituals of lesser lifeforms,” the alien said. “She may yet wish to study yours.”

“Science? I love scie–“ He broke off in the middle of the word when a tall – fucking _huge_ figure suddenly appeared not even a foot away from him. “What the –“

Tony stumbled backwards but the alien touched its glowing hands to his head to keep him there, its bright yellow eyes boring intently into Tony's.

He heard the metallic clang of Steve drawing his shield but before push came to shove the alien let him go, staring at its hands. They had changed color to a soft baby pink. Tony wanted to say something but right as he opened his mouth the alien grabbed his face and stuck a finger down his throat, making him choke.

“Stark –“ Steve wound his arm back but after a moment the alien pulled away, its finger suddenly translucent, almost like a glass vial filled with – ew, was that his spit? Gross.

Tony swallowed a few times to get some moisture back in his mouth, raising his hands defensively, but the alien didn't seem to be paying attention to him anymore, too engrossed by the way Tony's spit sloshed in its finger.

“Okay, if that's all you need I'll just be –“ He pointed over his shoulder as he took a few stumbling steps back and Steve immediately moved forward to stand half a step in front of him, his shield held loosely at his side. It would've been sweet if it wasn't so damn condescending. Tony frowned. “Stand down, Rogers. I can take care of myself.”

“Sure you can,” Steve mumbled, not moving from his spot. Prick.

“So that's their queen, huh?” Fury asked, walking over to Tony's other side as they all stared up at the towering alien. It had to be at least twelve feet tall, immensely wide at the shoulders but tapering down to spindly looking legs, its head bulging out of a thick torso. By the laws of physics it shouldn't even be able to stand, let alone slouch like that without falling over, unless its body was lighter than air which – yeah, Tony should concentrate on more important things.

The queen was chittering, her voice a lot deeper than the others', and the alien delegation was fluttering about, almost as if they were orbiting around her. After a moment of this the alien with the translator on its neck stepped forward.

“Our majesty would like to observe this 'date'.”

Tony blinked. “Come again?”

The alien cocked its head. “You must perform the act of a 'date' for her majesty.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Tony asked but Fury pushed him aside, stepping in front of him.

“We'll arrange a date.”

The alien seemed to pass the message on because the queen responded with a high pitched whine that bounced around the room with an unnatural vibrato. Her devotees echoed the sound before they suddenly plopped out of existence one by one until only the queen and her translator were left.

“We shall accompany you on this date,” the translator said and Fury nodded.

“Fantastic.” He turned to Steve. “Cap, tell Hill to fetch agents Smith and Carson, they're engaged to be –“

“Start now.”

They all turned to the aliens who stared at them expectantly. Fury frowned.

“We will need –“

The queen chittered, making a gesture with three of her arms.

“This one,” the translator said as the alien pointed at Tony. “He has been chosen by her majesty to perform the date.”

Tony blinked. “Well, fuck me then.”

“Stark, watch your mouth,” Steve hissed and Tony frowned.

“What? You really think they have curse words in their data base?”

“We understand the concept of fuck. Impregnation is a part of courtship, is it not?” the alien asked. Tony didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

“No impregnation,” Steve said quickly, glancing at Tony. “He won't be... doing that.”

“He just referenced the act,” the alien said and Tony held up his hands.

“No no, it's more of a... metaphor. A figure of speech?”

The alien blinked. “So you will not be copulating?”

“No,” Steve said empathically. “A date is about... showing the other person that you care about them. And that you want to get to know them more. Courtship, like you said.”

“I see.” The alien looked between them. “And you will perform this date, yes?”

For a second Tony didn't understand. Then the alien gestured at both of them and it suddenly clicked.

“Me? With _him?”_ Tony asked incredulously as Steve stiffened at his side. “You can't be serious.” He was about to go on when Fury suddenly grabbed him, turning his back on the aliens as he pulled Steve and Tony in, giving them the fiercest glare Tony had ever seen on him. Which was saying something.

“You listen to me right now,” Fury hissed. “We have an invasion on our hands. I don't care if those motherfuckers want to see you _tap dance_ , you are going to do your fucking job and protect this planet, whatever it takes. Do you understand?”

“Yes, Sir,” Steve said immediately, looking like he was marching to his own death sentence, and after a second Tony rolled his eyes and gave him a brisk nod.

“Good,” Fury said quietly before he turned back towards the aliens, giving them a nod. “They'll do it.”

“Commence the date then,” the translator said as the queen curved forward, staring directly at them. Tony looked at her. At Steve. Back at her.

“Look, that's great and all, but a date doesn't usually happen in a place like this.”

The translator blinked. “What environment would be suitable?”

“Oh, you know. A nice restaurant. Maybe a movie thea–“

Tony broke off, blinking in confusion at the sudden change in surroundings. He stood on a beach, looking out at the ocean where – oh fucking hell. “You've _got_ to be kidding me.”

“Um...” He turned to see Steve – standing there in a goddamn _tweed suit_ , looking down at himself with wide eyes. “What the hell?”

“We have manufactured the setting for this 'date',” the alien suddenly said, popping up right next to them. Tony jumped, clutching at his chest – and touching a silk tie. Upon closer inspection he was wearing a striped suit, nothing like he would ever wear in this – wait.

He touched his head and gasped when he found his hair gelled back like – like –

“This is your fault!” he shouted and Steve flinched back. “They pulled this from your brain!”

Steve flushed and despite the situation Tony couldn't help but feel a little smug about it. He loved getting one over Steve. “What? No, I –“

“We have forged this scenario to your specifications,” the alien said, making a gesture at Steve, and Steve went even redder as he looked out at the beach and the set dinner table illuminated by candle light. They were on Brighton beach, Tony suddenly realized, looking out at the ocean with the colored lights of Coney Island in the background.

“I gotta say,” Tony said slowly, not at all deterred by the fierce glare Steve sent his way. “I didn't take you for a wine and dine kinda guy.”

“It's none of your business,” Steve hissed and Tony shrugged.

“Not sure if that's our decision to ma–“

Sudden chittering behind him made them both freeze. The queen waved multiple limbs at them before she raised up to her full height, swaying a little in the breeze.

“Her majesty inquires whether or not this is the full extent of a 'date',” the translator said. “Or if there will be more.”

They'd probably blow up the planet if they didn't show them more.

“Of course there is more!” Tony said jovially, spreading his arms wide with a grin. “Dinner! Sweet words of nothing! Romantic walks on the beach!”

The alien blinked. “Commence.”

“As you wish,” Tony said cheerfully, stepping forward to grab Steve's hand. Steve jerked away as if burned and Tony turned his back on the aliens so he could give him a dirty look. “Play along, asshole.”

Steve grimaced. “Do you have to be so –“

“Romantic?” Tony asked, batting his eyelashes ridiculously, and Steve frowned. “Don't look so glum. We're on a date, remember? This is supposed to be fun.”

Steve's sour look spoke volumes of just how fun this was going to be.

“Just follow my lead.” Tony spun back towards the aliens, keeping his eyes locked on Steve with a charming grin as he held out his hand. “Shall we?”

He could see the effort it took for Steve to return his smile as he put his hand in Tony's. “Yes, of course.”

“Oh, would you look at that! You reserved a table, just for us! That's so thoughtful of you, darling, thank you!” Tony crowed and Steve's lips twitched with what could be a smile or a frown.

“Laying it on a bit thick there. _Honey_ ,” Steve growled under his breath and Tony couldn't help but notice how attractive it was. Sue him, he had a type. Didn't mean he'd let Steve get away with being an asshole, just because he was hot.

“Be still my beating heart!” Tony swooned, putting his free hand to his forehead. “Ah, love! What sweet agony is this?”

Steve rolled his eyes. “I can't believe you ever give Thor shit for the way he talks.”

Tony narrowed his eyes just a little. “Captain! Such foul language in front of our esteemed guests!”

He could tell Steve wanted to frown so badly but with a glance at their entourage he forced a smile, squeezing Tony's hand in warning. “Come on, let's get this over with.”

“Well, don't sound too enthusiastic.” Tony grinned, leaning in close to make it look intimate for their spectators as they walked towards the table. “I'm not gonna enjoy this any more than you are.”

“Could've fooled me.” Steve's jaw twitched in a way that told Tony he was grinding his teeth before he smiled so wide it looked almost painful. “I ordered food for us. I hope you like it!”

“Wow. Aren't I a lucky one?” Tony asked cheerfully as they sat at the table. At least the food smelled delicious. “So. Tell me about your day.”

“You mean aside from the impending alien invasion?” Steve cast a glance at the aliens hovering around them. “Can't say I did a lot.”

“Any hobbies?”

“What?” Steve asked with a frown and Tony fought hard not to roll his eyes.

“What do you do for fun?” Steve just kept staring at him so Tony speared a piece of carrot and pointed it at Steve. “Favorite color? Music? C'mon, give me something here.”

“I would if you'd stop talking,” Steve snapped before he seemed to remember himself and picked up his own fork, scooping up some mashed potatoes. “I draw.”

“What?” Tony asked, honestly surprised, and Steve frowned.

“I like to draw. It's my hobby.”

“Ah,” Tony said and Steve cleared his throat.

“What's, uh. What's yours?”

“Oh, you know.” Tony shrugged. “I tinker.”

Steve raised an eyebrow. “That's your job though, isn't it?”

“What's wrong with enjoying my work?” Tony asked a little testily and Steve gave him a one-shouldered shrug.

“Nothing, I guess.”

“Damn right,” Tony huffed, moodily digging into his vegetables. He glanced at the aliens who were just staring at them blankly, not giving anything away. Watching them eat probably wasn't interesting enough. Well, fuck it then. “Alright, Steve, let's get on with the next portion of this date. I think we're boring out audience.”

“What? But this _is_ –“

“There's usually a little more action involved, right?” Tony said a little forcefully and Steve seemed to catch on because he nodded, putting down his fork.

“Oh. Yeah, of course.”

Tony got out of his seat and trudged over to Steve's side, holding out his hand with a charming grin. “Can I have this dance?”

His smile faltered when Steve's face went frighteningly pale, his eyes suddenly very wide. He opened his mouth but no sound came out and Tony was about to say something when the alien suddenly appeared right next to them.

“I see. A different environment is required.”

Tony blinked and did a double take when he saw that the beach had disappeared and they were instead standing in what looked like a bar crowded with people dressed like – oh. Steve's brain again apparently.

There was cigaret smoke everywhere and Tony couldn't quite make out the song that the live singer was crooning on the small stage in the back but none of that mattered because when he looked back at Steve –

“Hey.” Tony grabbed Steve's shoulder, noting with a rush of panic that Steve was shaking, his whole body tense, eyes wide and unseeing. “Cap? _Steve!_ Hey, look at me, soldier!”

The command seemed to snap him out of it as he took a quick breath, his face even more pale than it had been on the beach. For a second Tony thought he was going to be sick. “This is –“

“What's wrong? Steve, look at me.” With what seemed like enormous effort Steve turned towards him, his eyes glassy. “Steve, it's me. The year is 2013, we are trapped in some sort of hallucination but it is _not real_. Okay? Look at me!”

Steve blinked, finally seeming to notice who he was looking at. “Tony?” He turned back towards the room and his face twisted with so much pain that it hit Tony like a punch in the gut. “This... this is where –“

Steve choked and Tony was horrified to see his eyes fill with tears.

“Hey, hey, it's not real, okay? I promise it's not real!”

“I know,” Steve said, sounding even more upset and – fuck, what if that was the problem? This was probably something Steve had wanted before the ice and now he could never have it and –

“Take us back!” Tony barked at the aliens that were just watching them passively. “To the beach! Or – fuck, wherever, just –“

Steve's shoulders hitched and Tony realized with a start that he was _crying_ , Captain America was actually crying and something in Tony curled up and died at the sight of one of the most stoic men he'd ever seen crumbling like a wet paper bag –

Without thinking Tony wrapped him up in his arms, grabbing the back of Steve's head to push it into his shoulder so he wouldn't have to see, so he would – he would –

“Take us back!” Tony snapped but the aliens only blinked at him as he kept hugging Steve's stiff body, rubbing what he hoped were soothing circles into his shoulder blades. “You're okay, Steve, we're gonna get out of here, okay? Just don't look –“

Steve took a hitching breath and then all of a sudden he slumped, his arms coming up to wrap around Tony's waist where he held on with trembling fingers, his whole body shaking. The aliens were still watching them passively and Tony felt his blood boil with every hitch of Steve's shoulders as he cried completely silently, like he was trying to hold it all in –

“What are you waiting for?” he hissed and the translator cocked its head.

“You are making physical contact. This is part of courtship, yes?”

“Fuck, just –“ Tony closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. “We need to be somewhere else to go further.”

“Oh?” the alien asked and Tony thought as hard as he could, just take them somewhere else, anywhere –

Cold wind whipped into his face and Tony stiffened, opening his eyes to see – a rooftop. A very familiar rooftop.

Oh.

“Tony?” Steve asked and Tony suddenly realized he was wearing the armor, just like he had when – okay, no, he wasn't thinking about that.

“It's okay, Cap. We're back.” Something in Tony loosened with relief when Steve straightened up, looking around with a confused sort of sadness. His cheeks were still wet but Steve rubbed a hand across his face, grimacing as he turned away from Tony.

“Where are we?”

Tony would've liked to answer but the lump in his throat made it almost impossible. He'd been hugging Steve, sure, but why had his brain jumped to this? It wasn't like he was going to kiss Steve or anything.

He wasn't looking at Steve but something on his face must've given him away because Steve put a hand on his shoulder, giving him a weirdly sympathetic look.

“This place means something to you.”

Tony swallowed hard. “I kissed Pepper here. For the first time.” He had no idea what possessed him to tell Steve the truth but... well, he _had_ just seen Steve at his most vulnerable. It was only fair. Steve nodded gravely and Tony looked up at him, his eyes catching on the aliens still watching them. Fuck.

“We still need to give them a show,” he said quietly and Steve's eyes went hard before he nodded.

“Alright. What did you have in mind?”

Tony honestly just wanted to get off the roof. Which – honestly, was not a bad idea. Tony grinned. “Do you trust me?”

“Yes,” Steve said and Tony blinked, a bit stumped by that easy admission. For a second Steve seemed just as surprised as he felt before his eyes narrowed with something like determination and he said, “I trust you.”

“Wow, uh. Okay.” Tony cleared his throat, glancing at the aliens before he grabbed Steve's hand and pulled him up onto the ledge of the building. “Whatever you do, don't let go.”

Steve's eyes flashed with realization before he – oh wow. Tony had only seen him smile like that once before. And seeing as he'd just fallen out of a portal from space he wasn't sure he hadn't just dreamt it up. But here it was.

Fuck, Steve was beautiful.

“Tony?” Steve asked, his smile dimming, and Tony shook his head to clear it.

“Right.” He wrapped an arm around Steve's waist, faceplate coming down as Steve stepped up onto his boots. It felt way too natural for something they hadn't ever done before. “Hold on to your spangles.”

Tony didn't let Steve finish rolling his eyes before he tilted off the building, pulling them both into free fall. Steve's grip tightened on his shoulders but to his surprise Steve didn't look apprehensive or even angry. He was grinning, his face so close to Tony's that if he wasn't in the armor it would be so easy to just –

Fuck.

Tony engaged his thrusters to pull them out of their drop into a steep incline, heading off towards the stars, and Steve whooped, laughing when Tony did a couple of barrel rolls just for the heck of it.

“You're a bit of an adrenaline junkie, aren't you?” Tony asked and Steve snorted.

“Oh, I'm sorry, is that a crime now?”

“Just observing. I can't exactly judge.” Steve laughed again, his eyes firmly fixed on the city lights below them that were steadily shrinking in the distance. Tony didn't think he'd ever seen him look so carefree. He kind of liked it.

Soft chittering to his left made him look over to see the aliens gliding along beside them, saying something to each other. Tony immediately slowed their roll until they were just hovering in the air above. He was suddenly very aware of how tightly he and Steve were clutching each other.

“It's so pretty,” Steve said and Tony hummed, looking up at the stars above.

“Yeah. Scary as all hell, but it's pretty.”

“What?” Tony looked over and realized that Steve hadn't been looking at the stars but at the ground where the city lights contrasted with the moonlight on the waves. “I thought you weren't afraid of heights.”

“I'm not,” Tony said, pinching Steve's side in reprimand. “I just meant – never mind.”

Steve's face turned up towards the sky, his face shining blue in the low light, and Tony found himself arrested by the sight. “It's different, isn't it? Now that we know what's up there,” he said and Tony realized with a start that he could see his breath, tiny ice crystals forming on his lashes. Tony's blood went cold.

“Shit! Fuck, you're gonna freeze, oh my god, I'm such an idiot!“

“What?” Steve blinked. “No, it's okay, the serum –“

Tony didn't let him finish before he descended to a more reasonable height, pulling them into a slow gliding spiral back down to earth.

“We could've stayed up there,” Steve protested and Tony gave him a stern look even though Steve couldn't see it.

“Your lips were turning blue. And correct me if I'm wrong but you probably don't like the cold much, do you?”

Steve's face shuttered, his eyes suddenly hard. “I can handle it.”

“Yeah, I know,” Tony said and Steve blinked, looking a little caught off guard. “But that doesn't mean you have to.”

Steve averted his eyes with an unreadable expression and Tony did three more spirals before he finally said, “Thank you.”

The words felt weirdly weighted and Tony had to swallow down a feeling of... _something_ , before he answered, “Sure. No problem.”

“The queen was pleased with this.”

Tony twitched, his grip tightening on Steve when the translator suddenly appeared next to him. “What?”

“She got good readings from this ritual,” he said and Tony frowned, wondering what the hell that meant. “We shall move on to the next step.”

“Next step? What's the –“

Tony flailed, clinging to Steve like a limpet when his thrusters swerved under him, almost dropping him right to the –

Pavement?

Tony looked down at the ground, surprised to find it solid and his feet once again clad in regular shoes. Steve made a surprised noise and Tony looked up to find him staring at their surroundings. Which looked very familiar.

“We're in Paris,” Steve said, raising an eyebrow at Tony who shrugged.

“What? I do enjoy the simple things in life. Don't be so shocked.”

“A date in Paris is simple?” Steve asked, his lips twitching with what Tony thought was amusement which – okay, yeah, was a really good look on him.

“It is when you're me.” Tony nodded at the river near them. “I like to take walks along the Seine.”

Steve gave him a bewildered look and Tony smirked. “What? It doesn't always have to be a million dollar vacation, does it?”

Steve stared at him, not even trying to keep the judgement out of his eyes, and Tony chuckled, clapping him on the shoulder.

“I'm kidding. I don't do that anymore. Too old.”

“Look who you're talking to,” Steve said drily and Tony gave a startled laugh, honestly taken off guard.

“Did you just joke about your age, grandpa?”

“It's a right of the elderly,” Steve said in the most deadpan voice Tony had ever heard and a moment later they were both grinning, a warm feeling spreading through Tony's chest. He never would've thought a date with Steve could actually be fun.

Then Tony's eyes fell on the aliens next to him. Right. Saving the planet. Not an actual date.

He was careful not to let his smile slip completely off his face, ignoring Steve's concerned frown as he took Steve's hand. It should probably bother him how natural that felt. It didn't. “Come on, I'll show you my favorite spot.”

Tony lead them along the touristy promenade which was disturbingly empty but still beautiful as always before he took a right down a tiny alley. Steve kept turning his head to take in all of the shop signs and Tony reeled him in with an arm around his waist, pointing at some of them.

“That's a barber shop over there. That one sells carpets at half price. And here we have –“

“I can read the signs, Tony,” Steve said with an amused undertone and Tony blinked.

“Well damn. I didn't know you speak French.”

“Il y a beaucoup de choses que tu ne sais pas sur moi, Tony,” he said and if Tony wasn't mistaken – no, there was no way Steve was seriously flirting with him, right?

“J'ai encore le temps de découvrir,” Tony said with a wink and Steve smiled, wrapping his arm around Tony's shoulders. Huh. That was... very nice actually.

Almost nice enough to forget this wasn't real.

They looked at a variety of shops and got some street food on the go. Just took it from behind the counter because the shops, like the streets, were utterly deserted. Steve had been adamant about leaving some pretend money at the place though which Tony tried hard not to find charming.

They were just about to go for ice cream when the alien – who Tony had almost forgotten about at this point, suddenly chimed in.

“We shall move on.”

Tony closed his eyes, waiting for that weird swishing sensation to pass – and opened them to see a beautiful lake, a blanket spread and a picnic basket.

“That one's on you, Cap,” Tony said and Steve sighed. “Does water get you horny or something?”

“Shut up,” Steve said with considerably less heat than Tony was used to. “I like nature.”

“Hey, nothing wrong with that. At least if you do the nasty here you won't get sand stuck in your –“

“Tony!”

He grinned and Steve shook his head, barely hiding his own smile as they sat down on the blanket and started unpacking the –

“Are you about to consume more sustenance?”

They both looked up at the alien's blank face, its queen hovering behind him. “Um. Yes?”

The alien's face didn't change but Tony got the distinct feeling that the atmosphere had shifted to something unpleasant. “Her majesty is not satisfied.”

Tony stiffened, feeling Steve do the same next to him. “What?”

“Her majesty wishes to see the act of copulation.” The alien cocked its head. “Commence.”

“What?” Steve repeated, his body suddenly stiff. “We can't –“

Tony grabbed Steve's hand before he could complete his sentence and Steve turned on him with wide eyes.

“Tony, what –“

“Just follow my lead,” Tony ground out before he surged forward and kissed him.

He half expected Steve to shove him away. Maybe punch him in the face for overstepping his boundaries. A painfully awkward kiss if he was really lucky.

He wasn't at all prepared for Steve to grab his face and pull him in, his huge hand coming to rest at the base of Tony's neck to hold him there. And boy howdy, Steve wasn't holding back at all. Tony had the fleeting thought that maybe this was Steve's first kiss since the forties – but then Steve opened his mouth, his tongue licking between Tony's lips and – fuck, he was only human.

 _I'm kissing Steve_ , he thought a little hysterically, his hands clenching on Steve's waist, heart pounding when Steve pulled him closer in return, their chests pressed together. This was completely insane and Tony probably shouldn't be enjoying it so much when it wasn't even real but fuck, it _felt_ real and Steve – holy shit, whoever taught him that deserved a fucking _shrine_.

They only pulled apart when Tony's lungs started to burn, staying close enough to still breathe the same air as Tony tried to wrap his head around what just happened –

“Is it done?”

The both whipped around, panting audibly as the alien regarded them with its usual blank expression.

“What?” Tony asked breathlessly and the alien raised a hand.

“Is your copulation complete?” he asked and Tony felt Steve stiffen at his side.

“Uh. We –“

“Oh yeah, wow, I'm _super_ pregnant,” Tony said, patting his belly. “Mmh, so full, couldn't have another.”

Steve's face was so red it looked like he would spontaneously combust but the translator seemed satisfied, chattering at the Queen who was now slowly spinning in place as she answered him.

“Her majesty is satisfied with your performance,” the translator said. “Your life form has become of interest to her studies. She may wish to return to your planet one day.”

“Okay.” Tony was so very aware of Steve's hand still on his waist. “So... I'm guessing you won't destroy it?”

“We shall make a detour,” the alien said and Tony internally fist-pumped. “Until we meet again, earthlings.”

And with that they were gone, blinking out of existence as if they had never been there.

They did it.

“Holy shit,” Tony breathed, grinning so hard his face hurt as he looked at Steve who just blinked like he couldn't believe it before a smile spread on his face.

“We did it!” Steve shouted as he jumped to his feet, pulling Tony with him to swing him around in his arms. “We did it, Tony! We saved the world!”

Tony couldn't help but laugh gleefully, only cut off when Steve pressed his lips to Tony's in a fierce kiss.

Hold up.

Tony froze and Steve seemed to notice what he was doing a few seconds too late, pulling back so suddenly he almost hit Tony in the chest with a flailing limb.

“Uh –“ he said and Tony didn't even think before he threw himself at him, kissing Steve within an inch of his life. It almost felt as though he could taste victory on Steve's lips and wow that was a cliché but – fuck, Steve's tongue, that was – okay, yeah, why was he thinking at all when he could be doing _this_ , hot _damn_ –

Steve pulled away long before Tony was ready and he let him know it with a protesting groan as their lips parted. He could feel Steve's laughter where his hand was pressed against Steve's chest and when he looked up Steve's eyes were warm and happy, his lips deliciously swollen where Tony had bitten them red. Fuck, Tony wanted to keep him looking like that forever.

“Tony, I –“ Steve started but couldn't seem to find the words, his smile dimming ever so slightly, and Tony couldn't let that happen.

“Hey, Steve.” He could see Steve swallow heavily as Tony gave him a serious look and poked him in the chest. “You just gave me twins. You better take responsibility.”

Steve blinked. And then he laughed, so hard he threw his head back, the sound ringing in the open space around them. Tony couldn't help but join in, tilting his head up when Steve pulled him in for another kiss, apparently going for triplets.

Someone cleared their throat and Tony reluctantly pulled away from Steve to find Fury staring at them, completely unamused. Apparently the aliens had sent them back onto the helicarrier after all. How thoughtful.

“Did it work?” Fury asked and Tony grinned, pulling Steve closer with an arm around his waist.

“We're pregnant!”

The look on Fury's face was worth Steve's embarrassed frown. Especially when Tony got to kiss it off his lips later that night.

**Author's Note:**

> Translation:
> 
> Il y a beaucoup de choses que tu ne sais pas sur moi, Tony - There's a lot you don't know about me, Tony
> 
> J'ai encore le temps de découvrir - Still got time to find out


End file.
